Same-Sex Relationship Advice

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Adoption vs. Host Mothers

There comes a time in a gay man's life when he must decide if he wants to have children or not. Prior to a relationship that becomes intense and involved, finding out if your man's future goals are compatible with yours is of the utmost importance. If he doesn't want kids - and your heart is lost in the thought of never becoming a father - then you may face some major compatibility problems on down the road simply because your goals do not mesh.

After discussing the subject you find that you and your partner are ready to have children, and feel that you are both at the right point in your lifes to do so, then you may have to now consider the options for having a child. Your options are more limited than a lesbian or heterosexual couple's for having a child. Don't despair, though, as you may be able to find the right child for your home through adoption or surrogacy.

Don't get me wrong! Adoption can be difficult for gay men ... and this may be especially true dependent on the state you live in. There are some states that believe gay men simply cannot raise children together, so they aren't even willing to let the men apply to be foster parents. There are some other states that only give gay male couples children with handicaps and/or disabilities, or illnesses such as AIDS. While this is not fair, and may definitely be construed as discriminatory, there is little that can be done about this other than to petition the state. Of course, this could take time - time that you aren't willing to spend before becoming a parent.

However, once you become a foster parent you may find that it is then easier for you to adopt the child. However, two parent adoption isn't always likely. Only one parent may be allowed to legally become the adoptive parent, and, while the child will grow up knowing the second parent is their dad, they will not legally be accepted as their father. Of course, each state varies on its rules and leniency in terms of homosexual adoption.

Adopting internationally could be even more troublesome. While most international adoption agencies allow 'single mothers' to adopt, you may not be able to adopt as a single father. There is no way of sneaking around the 'no homosexual couples' rules of adoption. Often it is so much trouble trying to find a country, or program, that will let you adopt that adoption may not feasibly be worth your time or money in the long run.

The other option that seems more viable is surrogacy. Of course, you're most likely going to have to pay a surrogate mother in some way. Even if you find a lesbian couple to donate sperm to (for their child) in exchange for a woman bearing your child as well, you will still be paying them via your sperm donation. This situation is ideal if you are at a point where you aren't ready to have children but they are. You can donate sperm and they can have the child they've always wanted. Then when its time for you to have a child you can donate sperm again. When donating sperm, though, you must ask yourself this important question: are you really able to father a child and then have absolutely nothing to do with him or her?

The drawback to surrogacy is if the surrogate mother changes her mind and doesn't want to give her baby up. If you get into a legal tousle it could end up being costly and traumatic to your family. As the father (biologically if you donate sperm) you do have claim to see the child, but since many states frown upon homosexuality in general she may try to use the fact that you are gay to win her case and keep the child she had planned to give to you.

If you use a surrogate mother you should have her sign over her parental rights to you as soon as the baby is born. This way there is no question later on down the road. It is in black and white print showing that you have custody because she did not want the child. Also, if a private adoption is handled this way then it should be clear that the mother signs over her rights immediately simply because this protects you, the interests of the child, and the mother has less validity to a claim if she goes back on her word after giving you the child.

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