Same-Sex Relationship Advice

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'Til Death Do Us Part
With few states recognizing gay marriage, will your partner be allowed to make end-of-life decisions for you?

It is easy for us to put off the subject of wills and health care proxies. We don't want to think about losing someone we love, and none of us wants to dwell on our own eventual deaths. The fact remains, though, that death is inevitable. Accidents and illness do happen. And for gay and lesbian couples, end of life brings with it more than just funeral arrangements and lingering hospital bills.

When straight married couples experience death or illness, they are automatically recognized as each other's legal spokesperson. A wife can make medical decisions for her husband, is entirely responsible for his funeral arrangements, and in most cases is uncontested in receiving his life insurance, their home, and all of their possessions. But when gay couples experience death or illness, one partner often finds him or herself completely locked out of the other's life - in many cases, unable to visit their sick and dying spouse in the hospital! The law is on the side of legally married couples, and for the time being, most states do not recognize gay couples as such. That is why it is vital that gay and lesbian couples make the necessary legal arrangements to provide for each other while both are still in good health.

Who Will Speak For You?
In the event that you are injured, or fall ill, and are unable to make your own decisions regarding medical care, this responsibility falls to your next of kin. By law, next of kin is your spouse; however, if your partner is not legally recognized as a spouse, then next of kin falls to your parents, your siblings, or other family members. If you would prefer your partner to be in charge of your care, you need to say so now.

To do this, you will need to establish a power of attorney. This legal document, prepared by a lawyer, indicates the person you wish to be your decision-maker in situations where you cannot speak for yourself. You can make this document as detailed or as broad as your needs require; for instance, you could give your partner the right to speak for you only in situations regarding health care. A power of attorney that specifically refers to medical care is often called a health care proxy. You may be able to get the necessary forms to establish a health care proxy from your doctor or other health care provider.

Other precautions to consider include the creation of a living will, which indicates whether or not you wish to be kept alive through life support, and a hospital visitation authorization, which includes your partner in the list of "immediate family" allowed to visit you in the hospital. If you have a hospital visitation authorization, you and your partner should each carry it with you at all times. This ensures that should one of you be hospitalized unexpectedly, the other will be able to present documentation allowing him or her to come with you into your hospital room.

Your Estate and Final Arrangements
There are several ways to make it clear that you wish your possessions to pass to your partner upon your death. The most obvious, of course, is to have a will.

Preparing a will gives you the opportunity to state exactly how you would like your assets to be handled after you die. You can give everything to your partner, or you can divide your finances and possessions among various friends and family members. You can also dictate how you would like to be laid to rest including where you would like to be buried and the type of funeral service you'd like to have. If all of these things are not spelled out in a legally binding will, your assets will be divided up among your living family members, regardless of whether or not you are even in contact with them. Your partner may get no say at all in the way your funeral is arranged.

It is also important to consider end-of-life issues when purchasing property together. Your names should appear on your deed as Joint Tenants with Right of Survivorship. This means that upon one partner's death, the property will pass in its entirety to the surviving partner. Another common option used on deeds is that of Tenants in Common, which only gives each partner 50% of the property. If one partner dies and his or her will does not stipulate that their half of the house pass to their partner, it will pass to their surviving family members. This means that if you pass away, your partner will be left only owning half of the house, and will need the consent of your family members before selling it or remodeling it.

Resources for Gay Couples
The best place to start in determining how your final wishes will be observed is in an attorney's office. To find an attorney who is supportive of the rights of gay and lesbian couples, you may try visiting the Human Rights Campaign's Guide to Attorney Referral Services (available at www.hrc.org) or the National Lesbian and Gay Law Association (www.nlgla.org). Someday, gay and lesbian couples will be afforded the right to legally marry, thereby winning the right to care for each other in sickness and in health. Until then, we can only be proactive in obtaining these rights for ourselves and for our partners.

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