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How to Cope With Miscarriage - Advice for Lesbians

When the home pregnancy testing kit told you that you were pregnant you probably screamed with joy! Before long you found yourself and your partner gushing over baby clothes and choosing paint color and furniture for the nursery. You went out and bought every book about pregnancy you could find and even added a book of baby names into the shopping cart, too. Your days were filled with blissful happiness and it finally seemed as though your dream of having a child with your lesbian partner was coming true. Then cruel fate hit a blow and you miscarried. All the months of artificial insemination had been wasted, and you were back to square one again. Literally the bottom had dropped out of your world.

Now here you are, lost in a well of grief and sadness, and not sure where to turn to, or what to do to change things. Many lesbian couples throw themselves back into their normal routine, or immediately start on the next course of artificial insemination, to try and replace the miscarriage - but you need to give yourselves time to mourn your loss and recover. We can only hope that some of the pointers included in this article help you through your time of great sorrow.

DO NOT BLAME YOURSELVES
First things first; neither you nor your partner should blame themselves. Many people automatically jump to the conclusion that it was something they did or actually their body is at fault and this is the reason why they lost their baby. However, this is simply not true and you need to not blame yourself. This is very easy to say, but you really must try hard not to. There are many reasons, and many thousands still unknown, as to why a woman loses her baby. If it will comfort you, talk to your doctor about why miscarriages can happen and if they know the reason why you lost yours. This will help to reassure you that it was not you or your partners fault.

GRIEVE
Secondly, many people gloss over the fact that it was a baby that you lost. It wasn't just an embryo and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's tough enough for any woman to lose a baby, let alone a lesbian couple who find it hard to conceive at the best of times, so don't be afraid to grieve. Cry, shout, and scream for the loss of your opportunity to give love and nurturing to a child. Don't bottle up your emotions and pretend that everything is all right as this will only delay your sense of loss. Spend hours holding each other and comforting each other. If you feel that you need to shut yourself away from the world for a week then do it.

TALK TO EACH OTHER
Thirdly, you will need to continue talking to each other throughout your grief. You have to share your thoughts with one another, and, although you may be really hurting inside and find it unable to believe that anyone else will be feeling as low as you do, just turn and look at your partner and you will see that she is, too. She may not be as open at expressing her emotions as you but at the end of the day we are all different. Her way of grieving may be to become introverted and quiet, or gloss over it and pretend that it hasn't happened. Whatever signs she is displaying you need to break down any barriers that you try to put up to protect each other from your obvious hurt. You need to go through this process together and shutting yourself away won't help. It could put strains on your relationship, when right now what you need is the love and support and understanding of one another.

HOLD A MEMORIAL SERVICE
Fourthly, consider a memorial service for your child and don't think that just because you had a miscarriage that it would be stupid to hold one. Many women who have miscarriages hold memorial services. If you had a name in mind, then name the baby and invite close friends and families to the service. This will give you a starting point; somewhere to try and pick up the pieces from and move on. It will also give you the chance to say goodbye.

BE STRONG
Fifthly, you need to face up to the fact that people will ask questions. Distant friends or relatives will ask you things like "How many months do you have now?" because they simply have not been told that you lost the baby. You need to spend time preparing yourself for such situations so that when they do arise you can have the courage and the will to answer them rather than just crumble into a blubbering heap. You also need to have inner strength to get through a miscarriage and not looking after yourself won't help. Forgetting to eat or wash may feel like a way of coping but you need to try and maintain a healthy diet and lifestyle for the sake of each other. The last thing you want is to become ill at such a sad time.

SUPPORT GROUPS
Finally, if you think it will help there are support groups that exist specifically for women who have had miscarriages. It would give yourself and your partner the chance to mix with people who have shared a similar experience to you and can understand your loss and grief. They can help you come to terms with what is essentially a bereavement and will be able to be another set of shoulders to cry upon, if you feel that you need it. Your doctor should be able to point you both in the right direction. Don't be afraid to go just because you are a lesbian couple either; you have every right to be there!

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